Square the Fridges There's Never An Obvious Decision!

© Noel O'Sullivan, March 2000

Where do I start, where do I begin?

This long-running tribute to the black man made of muscle and ice is here to stay and looks like it will never be suitably updated. See John Shaft, the ultimate Blaxploitation hero.

Gasp at the short explanation of what happens to me to make my life more confusing. And if you like Trainy stories, here's another, perhaps more disturbing one.

Let me see. I do stuff. I know that's not deep or anything, Charlie, but I really do stuff. Until about 8 months ago, I lived in Ireland. This was a fine place to live and ever-improving. So I decided the time was ripe to relocate to somewhere less promising - namely Sydney, Australia. Well - that was a little misjudged - because it's fucking great! It was a little taxing getting permanent residency, but at least I didn't have to sleep with anyone!

After a little while of bumming about I got a job with the good people at Whitewolf Online in Ultimo. Within easy walking distance of my home (which is why I increasingly take the bus), Whitewolf turns out to be an eventful company with a dog.

Sure, I sometimes miss the guys from Beacon Systems but since it has recently merged with its sister-corporation, Gaiacorp Ireland and most of my friends have gone onto better things, it's not really worth missing. I worked with some great people there and wish them the best.

For those who care, here's a picture of me which I scanned and which a friend of mine took and re-touched to make me look rather god-like. Not sure why he felt compelled to do this, but I appreciate his handiwork.

Curriculum Vitae/Resumé
If you have an interest in employing me then take a look at my Curriculum Vitae. I'm glad to see people have taken to ripping off my CV layout and inserting their own details. I'm glad it impresses them. But just remember who wrote that beautiful flowing HTML code in the first place. Speaking of which, since I had to hand-code that CV, things have moved on slightly. Even Microsoft's Frontpage does a half-way decent job of not messing up your code. Still - 'bout time I threw some CSS in there.

Children's Television
I think children's television is just smashing. I'm preparing a list of all the greats coz I feel like it. It's regularly expanding in content but will hopefully become much more interactive real soon. As soon as I find a company who'll host Servlets for some non-exorbitant fee - in fact Mad Planet may do that real soon. Roll on dynamic web-site. So revert back to your childhood and remember these wonderful and awful programmes. Oh, and just recently, a new force has grown up which does most the things that I hoped to eventually do with my page. It's called TV Cream and it's just here.

I like music. A lot. So do most people I guess, but I've developed the ability to waste really inordinate amounts of money on CD's over the past few years. For the nerds in the audience here's the specification of my Hi-Fi setup. For those who are in it for the music, man, here's an unnecessarily large selection of music I like.

My Ould Fella (Father for non-Dubliners) is an accountant and a genuinely good chap for which I am deeply indebted. He takes great pleasure in parrying with those he is not fond of and is often seen wringing his hands and muttering things like "That'll get the bastards!". He's settling nicely into his life of semi-retirement (i.e. he still does a full person's work, but in half the time so that he can make room for more golf!) He is a fun sort of chap too and well worth the weight.

My Auld Wan (Mother for non-Dubliners) is a crazy (well odd) old lady who is quite funny in her own twisted way. No, she's deeply pleasant really and I miss our walks around Ardgillan. She also teaches Speech and Drama at very competitive rates if anyone in the North East of Dublin requires these services!

The remainder of my family are quite interesting too (strange, huh?). One of my sisters is an actress trying to get the break she richly deserves. I think she's quite talented, but then I think I am as well, so there's always a possibility of bias in my judgement. For a short time, she was fourth member of all new girl band, Xplicit. For some reason they haven't really made it very big. The Spice Girls rather stole their market so the remaining members may be feeling glum. This is of little import to me as she left Xplicit to go back to her (extra)ordinary life. She is currently in London having completed a music/theatre course and any minute now, big things may be afoot. Latest news - she's in the touring show of Annie in England.

My other sister has a psychology degree but trained for the past few years to be a hair-dresser. I don't know if she has any long term plans to merge her streams of training, but as she's a rather clever person (though she wouldn't like me spreading that kind of rumour) I'm sure she'll manage to make a name for herself in a new industry based around Psycho-Styling. Her eventful year in Australia came to an end and she is now working in Ireland. One day she may set up on her own but she'd probably settle for a rich guy who's also a wonderful person who'll give her a house and wealth beyond her wildest dreams.

My brother is a young go-getter play-boy type who does the same job as Michelle Fowler in East Enders did except that he does in the East End of London. He's got a psychology degree too, but we don't like to talk about that. I'm told he's rather good looking (certainly far more than myself) so any people in London (small town, but I can hope) looking for a decent, attractive, single, Irish bloke need only contact me and I'll move to London to meet you! Or else I could put you in touch with him. He and my older sis were born in Oz and so are full citizens.

The River Liffey
Is a stagnant pool of filth, but until recently it had a valuable addition. This was when Ireland was strapped for cash and this seemed like an appropriate way to welcome the new Millenium. I wonder if it still works after 2K? Here's how to achieve the same effect for a billionth of the cost.

Public Transport
I was once completely at the mercy of the horribly inadequate and unreliable Córas Iompar Éireann (The state-run Irish public transport company). It is difficult to express how much I admire the idea of public transport and yet the sense of irony that it should be run so badly where I lived. So if you live where the quality of public transport if abysmal, sympathise with me and let me know how bad these things are the world over. And if you're unlucky enough to have to commute between Dublin and Skerries, check out my train and bus schedules. Sydney is slightly better.

Friends
is not a good programme despite what so many people think. I know a few people who I occasionally have had the conceit to call friends. Admittedly, most of my friends don't have web pages, or their web pages have little to offer. So I'm apprehensive about putting in a list of links to their dull pages. However, here's a couple of pages worth a visit.

• Thomas Slattery. Tom's page is magic and has the distinction of the full script of the film Withnail and I on-line. Well worth looking at. Some other good links there too. It is now graced with a CV which looks suspiciously similar to my own.
• Alan Byrne. Al's page is worth a visit because of his non-definitive guide to Dublinese. I keep trying to get him to make it more definitive, but it has proven useless. One of these days it will improve. If he has any Match Reports of the Mighty Ducks (a soccer team he co-manages) then read them. His writing style here is brilliantly tabloid.

The Small Print (incorporating a guide to robbing my intellectual property politely)

As with everything on the Internet, these pages are incomplete, but they're stable so don't panic. My page has been accessed, well, not very much. If numbers are important to you, then tough. I hate those stupid counter things coz mine always has a much lower number than everyone else's. All graphics are original except where noted and the eggy background. In the unlikely event that you feel compelled to rip off any of the HTML or graphics or my CV, please mail me so I can admire your page and if you're feeling particularly nice you can mention and include a link to my page. Don't feel you have to though.